Tying up loose ends...

As we get ready to ring in the new year, I can't help but think how ready I am to leave 2012 behind. With everything that has happened this year, I am actually in disbelief that my last post was 7 months ago. How is that possible?! When did time acquire super human velocity?

There are so many things that I could talk about to reflect on the type of year that 2012 has been for me.  I have had ups of course, with many things to celebrate, but there have also been many downs. Perhaps, though, the principle point taken from this past year is discovering what my character is actually made of when faced with adversities and challenges completely unforeseen.

I didn't deal with them prettily or in a dignified manner. BUT, I did stand back up. Each time with a renewed hope and drive to finish what I started. And I think....that may be the point, the valuable lesson we each so desperately need to learn.  Life is not an easy journey if we wish to take everything we can from it. This crazy whirlwind of events, moments, and people is a challenge when we choose to participate and participate fully.

I can look back on this year and hate a great many things about it--the frustrations with my studies, unexpected obstacles, and endings that I never imagined possible. I look back at myself in each of these situations, and I think of how I felt then and how I feel now.

As trying and difficult as each obstacle seemed at the time, I can see how I grew in these moments. We forget many times that life is a never-ending learning experience, one that will only stop with death. I see myself now with a stronger constitution, as a woman who knows what she is capable of and what she deserves out of life. Yet, I must remember that I will have more lessons to learn, more trials to face, and of course more adventures to take.

So I don't have hard feelings towards 2012. I am taking from it the good parts, the vital lessons, and renewed self-assurance.  I can look back with no regrets. I gave my best even at my worst, told others how I felt, and worked harder than I've ever worked before. And...in the end isn't that all we can ask of ourselves--is to give our best, be who we are, and work hard?

So with that, I'm tying up my loose ends, closing out 2012 happily and ready for my next adventure. I think the time has come also...to close this blog. While my student life may not be finished completely, there is a facet of the person I have been these past two years that has grown out of certain places, certain habits, and certain people. Where it plans to grow has yet to be seen, but I look forward to finding out in the coming year. I have big plans. :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

Blessings in Disguise...

Somehow I completely missed the month of April and just about lost posting anything in May. I've said it many times before, and I will reiterate time passes faster than the blink of an eye. The velocity of these past two months could have something to do with the fact that I was all over the place for school (and yes pleasure too. :) ) I was fortunate enough to visit the amazing city of Berlin--the wall and history of it completely mesmerized me, as those of you have seen my photos can easily see. I also felt like a legit serious academic at my first conference in Valencia. Spain continues to win my heart everytime I go, each location being more beautiful and entrancing than the next. I think I could seriously live there. And finally, as silly as it would seem I was finally able to see some of the glorious country that has so lovingly let me call it home for the past 2 years, Switzerland.  Zurich has such an eclectic vibe of a big(ger) city that is truly Swiss, but also international. Then there are the unbelievable tiny jewels of Malvaglia and Biasca in the valley of Ticino tucked up in the hills of the mountains, yes...cascading waterfalls and all. Something out of a storybook really. And finally, my first glimpse of the French part of this small yet incredibly diverse country in Neuchatel. 

I tell you by the middle of this month, I was literally exhausted from living out of a suitcase and hopping from train to plane and back to the train again. I literally spoke 5 different languages in the span of 24 hours (albeit most were only snippets of French, Spanish, and German. You know 'thank you' 'I would like this' etc., but hey....I can try to sound uber cool right??).  Anyway, I don't know that I ever reached this point, where I had literally had enough of gypsy travel as I did when I finally arrived back home mid May. Now I know you're thinking, "right what is this 'woe is me' junk??" It's not really that. I am so very thankful for the opportunities that I have had studying and living here. I wouldn't trade it for anything.  It was actually more of a huge surprise to have that sensation, this indescribable need and ache of wanting nothing more than my bed in the house where I grew up. It literally hurts physically.  On top of that, I received some news that completely changed EVERY single plan I had made for the next 6 months. Needless to say....America had never sounded so good to me, and for more than just a visit.

But...yes....there is always a 'but'.  I will be returning here to my little Swiss town for almost another year indefinitely. No negotiations. No other possible scenarios. While that is far from the worst thing that could ever happen to me, it was definitely a slap in the face regarding the reasons why. And I think from this unforeseen twist in my loose life-plan, I learned the ultimate and true definition of a 'blessing in disguise.'  It's taken me several weeks to reason my stubborn self into this optimistic point-of-view, considering I have yet to realize or discover exactly what that particular blessing is. However, I am choosing to see the glass half full.  Life in the last few weeks has handed me the largest bucket full of lemons I have ever laid my eyes upon, and it has taken numerous near-breakdowns/panic attacks to finally enact my philosophy of grabbing the vodka on the nearby liquor self and throwing a party. And no...it isn't a pity party. It's a middle-finger-in-the-air type of shin dig where I tell life whatever curve ball it throws at me, I'll hit it out of the park.  I will succeed. So screw you. :)

So maybe what I'm trying to say more clearly is that life will NEVER cease to mess with the plans you have however nonchalant or loose they are. Always be prepared. Because that moment you let your guard down is when it will smack you in the face in an attempt to leave you scrambling. Yet, if you're like me...it's gonna take a whole lot more of a bucket full of lemons to have us drown in sorrows. I'm gonna win in the end. I imagine most of you will know you will too, so it's become entertaining to watch life put forth so much effort. And if you can keep that sense of hilarity and calm, nothing can stop you. Ever.

So that's it from me this time. I have t-minus 27 days until a much needed dose of America.  Now if I could just concentrate on those last presentations before my visit home.....

I have a gym....

I am positive that no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to understand the concept of time. Here we are at the end of March 2012. I feel that many of my entries begin this way--with the acknowledgement of blurring days full of hours, minutes, and seconds that seem to last merely a breath.  Yet, I suppose if that's what I think of most, than awareness of the infinitely moving essence of time is a good thing. Probably even a great thing. Hopefully I never lose this sense of urgency, this need to fill my days with all of the beauty and wonder that this life has to offer.

My life in the last month has been something of that wonder, a small snippet I'll say. I've come to the conclusion that major changes or growths in character, in oneself, happen in 6 month intervals. With my last semester of graduate school in full swing, and only the writing of my thesis to occupy my days academically, I find myself thinking back to the first days of my arrival here in Lugano. And....I am so changed. I see these changes too, that have occurred to me over the last year and half, and I can clearly see the shifts, the movements, the moments, when something changed, something turned and finally clicked into place. Each one of these moments follows this convenient little pattern of being around 6 months from the next.  I still haven't worked out the significance of these shifts, of the timeframe in which they occur, but I think it may be important. For what....that is yet to be discovered.

So for now, I'll talk about the latest shift. I have a gym. Yes. A gym. Why is that a shift? It sounds silly when I write it out in words (or well, maybe only to you), but I began a gym membership. Nothing out of the ordinary really. Many people have those. It's common. And at first, I didn't really think anything of it, but it hit me one day that I thought, "Holy crap! I'm putting down roots in this town!! I have a gym!!!!" Why the gym? Why such significance? I'm not really sure, but it made things seem a little more permanent. A little more solid. Even if it's only for a little while-- I joined a gym in a foreign country. I did a completely normal mundane thing, that occurs monthly over and over, where they learn your face and you see the same people and make friends....in a foreign country. Perhaps it seems silly to others, and maybe it is. But, it made me look back at the things that I've gone through, the challenges, the victories, and it made me feel like I was finally starting to get the hang of this thing. Finally close to achieving the many things I've worked for.

You ask (I'm sure of it) "how can a gym membership do that?" My answer is that I don't really know. All I know is how I felt when I had the realization, that I had built a life here, one more in-depth than I ever thought would be possible. And I'm happy. Really and truly. These previous 6 months have taken me into some of the darkest places I've ever been, but at the end of it, I've never seen so much light. How invigorating! Empowering even! (I don't even care if that sounds like a Beyonce song!)

Life is good. I'm writing my thesis, watching the most adorable little boy and his baby sister, close to having an opportunity of a lifetime, and so so so excited for what the next 6 months will bring. How will I change? What will happen? Where will life take me?? It's all a mystery, and perhaps maybe I can credit this appreciation, this realization with the fact that: I have a gym. :)

The Beginning of the End...

So, my last official semester of graduate school has officially started. It is the beginning of the end of my time here. How do I feel about it? Good I think. It's a little bit surreal really, but I think that I'm ready for the next part. No...I know I am, and I am so incredibly excited!! Only catch: with time flying as it tends to do, we are already at the end of February, which makes June and the end of this semester seem EXTREMELY close for this little old thing called a thesis. AHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (panicking)

Looks like it's work work work and no play for the next 4 months.....maybe. ;)

I wish that there was some really insightful things that I could think of to say right now, but really all I've got is that life is good. It truly is.  For the first time in my life I think I can say that I know what I want and where I want to go. I mean usually I have a 'rough idea' but that's a nice way of saying "I have no freakin' clue."  How cool is it to finally feel like you know yourself and what you're capable of accomplishing? It's a feeling of peace I've never actually encountered before, like I know I've already won the game.  I'm hoping it will hold out long enough to keep me from consuming record amounts of coca-cola to keep stress/panic/anxiety attacks at bay while I write this thesis. Cross your fingers it does (for all our sakes) because if not I may start trying to sniff it and wind up with ice cubes stuck in my nose. Hey--desperate time will call for desperate measures! Pray it doesn't come to that.

Outside of praying for sanity during thesis writing, I really can't ask for more in my life right now: Amazing friends, loving family, unbelievable work possibilities, and my favorite part...getting to see new pieces of the world here and there. :) This month was Andalucia, Spain and in April we'll check out Berlin. I just feel so blessed, and I don't plan on taking any of it for granted. So...I'm actually going to stop writing here and go do something constructive. You know:  "Carpe Diem!"

So until next time....when I possible have something more profound to say.

A Year in Review...

I think it could be safe to say that 2011 has passed with more speed than any year I can remember at a pace frighteningly similar to blinking. There were parts, however, that were agonizingly slow. Some parts I'd rather not remember. But, in reality, I see all were necessary, and as I sit here and think of the crazy ride that 2011 has been, perhaps the most valuable were the parts that I'd rather not recall.

It's a little funny actually. There are many things to recount from this year all fantastic, many big accomplishments for me-- finishing a year and half of grad school in a foreign language (which I am now quasi-fluent), traveling to a new continent, having an Italian Thanksgiving and an Irish Christmas even! But the things that stick out the most in my mind, are the crap parts, the parts that in many ways, I wish I hadn't had to deal with. These were the times that I learned the most, discovered the most about myself (good bits and bad bits), and also found that I have some of the very best and without a doubt amazing people in my life both home in America and my home away from home here in Europe. I am beyond blessed and lucky, and will continue to remind myself of that and be thankful for it everyday, especially on the days that aren't so great.

I suppose I don't have much more to say about you 2011. You were good to me and you were bad to me. But all in all it was for my own benefit. I was challenged more than I've ever been challenged, which is always a good thing. How can you ever get better if there is nothing to push you to be? I had new adventures alone and with friends, both old and new. I watched one of my dearest and oldest friends get married to her best friend. That is a memory that I will carry with me forever. I was able to show my roommate where I come from and introduce her to the people that mean the most to me in my life first-hand. I found another family in the girls that I study with, and I have no doubt we will stay that way always. I was welcomed into homes with open arms without question, even in times that many would find an intrusion. There is much to be said for Moroccan, Italian, Portuguese, Irish....well let's just say 'global' hospitality, and for that I am eternally grateful.

At the end of it, I really can't say enough about the people that 2011 has brought into my life. Perhaps this has been the greatest gift of this year or any year for that matter. In my experiences, I've found that people are just good no matter where you go, and that is a refreshing thing in a world where all you hear about is doom and gloom. These people have all left imprints on my heart in their own individual way, and I hope that we make many more memories together in years to come. Maybe it would even be fitting (and yes albeit cheesy) to credit 2011 with a real-time illustration of a quote from a favorite movie of mine-- "Love actually is all around."

So 2011, I salute you, I thank you, and I also say good riddance. I am looking forward to 2012. It's shaping up to be absolutely fantastic: Spain with the ladies, my little brother's wedding, and this little old thing called a Master's Degree! :) Who knows what other things it has in store for me, but I think I'm ready to take it all on. You've given me plenty for my arsenal 2011 and now I say one more time: Grazie mille e ciaoooooooooooo!!

Thankful is...

November over the past years has increasingly become my least favorite month of the year. The leaves are suddenly gone, the world seems to die, and winter begins to bear its ugly face. Not only that, but I can oh-so-conveniently clump all of the worst things that have happened to me in the past five years into the month of November.  We're not really creating a great history here, November and I, and this year is finding itself in a close second to the worst November I've ever had in my life. It's been AMAZING....not.  Now you're probably wondering..."um....I thought this was supposed to be a message about being thankful???" And you're right it is despite what I've just written.

I am truly, utterly, and completely thankful.  On the one hand because through all of these seemingly rainy days and cold nights, I am still able to catch a glimpse of the sun. That even though school is the hardest it's ever been, and I've never felt more insufficient...I've learned more, become better because of it, and now have no doubts at my abilities to do the work I love so much. That even in a foreign country thousands of miles away from my family and my friends who have known me most of my life....I find myself surrounded by another family willing to be there for me through everything--no matter what, without even speaking the same language.

I am not, in fact an unlucky person in this seemingly November curse. I've actually come to think the opposite. That perhaps its better November is so crappy. That I am incredibly lucky for the misfortune. Because I can really truly appreciate all of the blessings in my life. My health, my work, my family here and back in the US, and this insane form of optimism that no matter how many times it's beat up, broken, or shot down...I can't get the stupid thing to die. Thank God. I mean what fun would I be if I was an empty, bitter, old cat lady??

So.... I am thankful for all of the crap that is in my life. Yes you heard it. I am THANKFUL for all of the bad. Without it, I couldn't appreciate the good or show how very much I love those dear to me the proper way. I got to celebrate Thanksgiving not once...but twice this year. The second time without any Americans. Not-a-one. But you know...the more I think about it....the more I think everyone should celebrate it. Because giving thanks for the blessings in our lives isn't something just reserved for Americans. It applies to everyone- young, old; big, small; American or European. So listen up world, I'm dubbing Thanksgiving an international holiday, and I will plan to keep it that way.

Don't blink....

I've been back for 1 month already.  Thrown back into everything without stopping, and suddenly we're almost done with October!! It's like I blinked that afternoon getting on the plane in September and wound up here close to halfway through my third semester of graduate school. Only one to go.  Then it's on to the next part whatever that may be. Now I realize that there will be a LOT of things in between (namely one certain thesis comes to mind) but my life is blowing by me so fast I can hardly hold on. I've got this sense of urgency that's come over me in the last month to not waste one second, one minute.

I know I've said it before, but why oh why can't we have a slow motion, pause, or stop button??? Sometimes I find myself blindsided by a moment, so simple, so painfully beautiful I want to keep it in front of my eyes, in my physical sight forever. I watched the sunrise for the first time in my 26 years two weeks ago. I've never seen anything like it. The lightening of a dark sky, the night finished. And then suddenly it's like the clouds catch fire, the sky is full of bright yellow light, and it's brilliant. Absolutely, unabashedly brilliant. I asked myself: "Why have I never done this before??? Witnessed such an amazing miracle of nature?" And in that moment I wanted to pause life--sitting on the dock of Lago di Varese in Italy, in beautiful company--and just soak it in for hours and hours, to the point where I could breathe it in, taste it.

But....no matter how much we want that, how much we yearn for that slow motion or pause button it will forever elude us. So 'don't blink' as Kenny Chesney sings in a song, because you may wake up one day on your last day, wondering what happened to the life you were supposed to live. Maybe that's a bit of a sad thought, but I don't think so. For me it's a reminder that even when life is in fast forward, I need to remember moments like that first sunrise and always look for the next adventure. Even if it's something like weekends doing homework with my two classmates (the 3 musketeers!) or pasta made on-site in the 15th century church where we're working. They are simple but beautiful. And I don't want to blink....because I just might miss one.