The Boxes in the Basement...

So as I was readying myself for the move from my small hometown to the big windy city last night, I decided to go through some boxes of old stuff of mine I'd packed up and stored in our basement. It's not a new exercise. It tends to be one that I do everytime I come home for an extended stay. Each time, I find more things that I can part with, more things that aren't so important as they were 1 year, 2 years, even 10 years ago, but also things that remain so very dear to me year after year. It's almost like a therapy for me, a re-evaluation of myself-who I've been, where I want to go- and a nice little walk down memory lane all at once.

This time was no different. I actually parted with more things (yes, little big brother I got rid of things! :D haha) than I ever have. I'm really trying to realize what I really need in my life and what I don't both material and immaterial. But, don't fret, I didn't throw out everything (far from it actually). There were of course old t-shirts to save from H.S. & college that I want made into a blankets, pictures, and the twig 'necklace holder' my 8-year-old brother made me so many years ago, and then there is always that long lost treasure. That something that you don't even remember keeping, even though you know you've been through those boxes 3 time before. It can be anything-a note from a grade school crush, those mardi gras beads you saved from that spring break in Daytona, or a picture of you and your best friend in beginning band uniforms you didn't know you had. These rediscovered moments of your life resonant stronger than anything, and you're suddenly more aware of the places you've been, where you are, and where you want to go.

This time around I ran across an old creative writing journal from my junior year of high school. I knew I'd kept papers and things, but I hadn't really remembered this. Naturally, I thumbed through the now decade old pages. There were silly entries about my cat, colors of the rainbow, and my name. But I also came across more serious ones:  a poem I wrote right after the September 11th attacks, an entry dealing with the grief of losing a fellow teammate and friend much too soon, and an entry about life---advice about it and where I saw myself at 30. It was quite strange reading these bits authored by my 16-year-old self. Where I saw myself at 30 (now only 4 years away) gave me crazy goosebumps for several different reasons, and my advice to others is something I've been striving to live by...only I don't remember knowing it so soon! I wrote on Dec. 5th, 2001 "Life is what you make it. Reach high, dream big, and you will go far in life. Your family and friends will always be there for you, so don't be afraid of making a mistake." Great advice to live by....my only question: why then did I live in fear of failure so long during my adolescent/young adult years?

Maybe it's possible I didn't quite understand the meaning of my own words yet. By this I mean the extent of the definition. Yes, I've always been up to the challenge of the classroom and participating in other activities. But there are other areas of life that I've even recently discovered my own fear of failure. I won't specify exactly what, but I realized that this fear also applies to all aspects of your personal life. I think that this fear of failure happens here largely in part to the way society pushes us to morph our own thoughts and ideas as to not step on toes or anger other parties. We shouldn't live life in fear that way. It only ends in regret of things left unsaid. I hate that...regret. I vowed years ago I would live my life without it, and I've done well since up until this point. That little journal entry from  10 years ago, no more than a child myself, spoke volumes to me last night. I pride myself on living without fear, but realize that I've been neglecting it in some areas of my life. I'm done with that now. If you don't like what I have to say. Sorry. It probably means we weren't supposed to be friends anyway, and I'm ok with that....you should be too.

Breakfast at the Uptown Cafe...

I'm home stateside now for the summer, and as always there's a transitioning process.  No matter how many times I come back there's always an 'excess overload' when I come to America. Then, like always, I pull back into the driveway of my childhood home.  The road I take is the same, the air smells again like fresh cut grass and corn, and my front porch welcome's me with open arms for the first inaugural summer session on the swing. Suddenly all that shock is gone, I don't feel like an alien in my own country, and I'm once again Sarah Braun from Morrisonville--'you know Diana Rosenthal's daughter, one of Kenny and LaDonna's grandkids.'

One of the advantages of being gone is that each time I come back, I appreciate the place I was grown that much more. I talk a lot about taking mental snapshots and vividly recording moments in your life. I've been back for 2 days, and I have been filling my memory bank non-stop-- walking in the door with my mom to find my uncle had left home grown sweet corn on the kitchen table. He knows how much I love it (and yes my community is the kind that doesn't always lock their doors. It's a beautiful thing.); Meeting my childhood best friend's new son for the first time, and feeling so much love for that sweet beautiful child the moment I laid eyes on him; and today having an early 7am breakfast with my 84-year-old grandpa at the "Uptown Cafe" while he sits with his fellow community institutions and talks about the who's who and the what's what going on, or the latest claims they've got to review on farmers' crops, or even next week's town picnic/fair.

I had a realization this morning as I'm talking with these men that saw me grow from a baby to a young woman, and it was bittersweet. I cherish this morning with my grandpa, watching him laugh or curse in the same sentence about using the computer, calling the waitress by name as she refills both our coffee mugs.  I don't know how many more I'll get, and I am so aware how blessed I am to have this moment and this morning. How lucky I am to have grown up in such a loving supportive community. Yes, maybe my town is a little like Mayberry, but they take care of their own no matter how long you've been away. It's always like you've never left.

So maybe this time around I'll say that I'm appreciating life from a different angle. It's not the new adventures I've taken or the ones I plan on having. But it's my origins that have stopped me in my tracks and overwhelmed me with the urgency and transient qualities of life. Maybe you may think 26 is too young an age to have anything wise to say, but even in these last 2 weeks I've learned some important life lessons. I've learned that being true to yourself has more facets than I ever imagined, and that it applies to every aspect of life. If we forget that, it is so easy to lose ourselves no matter how hard we've worked to find it. And then we lose sight of what we really want in this life. It's also okay to want things that most others are afraid to want, and to be vocal about it even if what that is has some small town tendencies. Who cares. Embrace all of those parts of you--where you are, where you want to go, and most importantly where you've come from. They shape our lives, and mine is one that I think I'm finally starting to understand.

I drank a liter and a half of coke last night....

Exam time has once again just about taken me under.  It's to the point where I've ingested an entire liter and half of coca-cola in matter of 2-3 hours, brewed coffee with coffee (yes that means I put coffee where the water goes), and topped it all off with the rest of a bottle of wine. These are serious times here people and the longest two weeks ever, possibly even longer than the legion of doom I faced in January. I don't know if the universities wield some kind of power that slows time during exams, but it's seriously like the never-ending story this time 'round.  And on top of that, the sun is shining, it is officially summer, and the Lido (our little beach here) is calling my naaaaaammmme (it would be rude not to answer) :)

One positive: my thesis presentation is over. And by some act of God, it went well. There was lots of nodding and intent stares. I believe some academic 'hmmms' were uttered with force. All good signs. Although as one of my dear friends told me in regards to the staring, 'you probably had a booger in your nose.' And here I thought I had something interesting to say! haha. Anyway 3 more to go. And it's July 1st. I'm two weeks from being stateside, and the summer holidays are at my feet. Non vedo l'ora per Venerdi'!!!!

I wish I had something more profound to say this time around. But my brain is seriously mush.  The only thing I can think about is how excited I am to see everyone at home and watch my best friend get married! :D But simultaneously I'm sad that I leave so soon from Lugano. Yes it's only 9 weeks in the States (which is really better considering some how I always end running around a million miles an hour there), but its strange. I can't really put my finger on it either. I suppose it's because Lugano is home now too. I'll miss my bed here, my kitchen, my son (yes my roommate I call 'figlio' and he calls me 'mamma') the beautiful view of the lake (that I haven't gotten to enjoy since these stupid exams!), and people. How I'll miss summer holidays with my friends here!

But I know the summer will fly just like this last year has. Sometimes I feel like the harder I try to hold onto moments and the beauty I see in things and people every day the faster more fleeting those moments become. I want so badly sometimes to push pause on my life and just sit bathe in the beauty of it all: Federica's yellow pants like sunshine on our exam day, hydrangeas in absolute full bloom, the post-it on the fridge from Lorena thanking me for dinner, or song lyrics from a friend just because she knew I'd appreciate their absolute truth. It's like trying to hold onto water, these moments, impossible. And yet it's what makes life so wonderful, living life in full force in every direction.....even in the middle of an all-nighter hyped-up on caffeine and simultaneously induced by the downing effects of wine close to a nervous breakdown. It's still beautiful.  After all they say there's beauty in the breaking too no? :)

So I refuse to sit on my couch tomorrow and read chemical compounds when there's so much beauty to see in this life! I'm going to 'take some sun' as they say here and be irresponsible (sort of) by taking my notes to the beach.  I'm going to spend the last few days at home taking it all in, this summer in Lugano, and then head back to my other home for cook outs, baseball, town fairs, mud volleyball, and dear dear dear friends.

Home is....

I don't have any idea how it got to be the last day of May already! It really seems impossible. Tomorrow is my last day of class for my first year of graduate school. There's exams still to come of course, but this year in Switzerland has been incredibly too fast. In many ways, it's like I blinked in January when I returned from Christmas, and opened my eyes to the 31st of May. 

Of course there is much that has happened along the way, no matter how quickly the time seems to have flown. I've learned more about myself in the past 10 months than I have at any other time in my life I think. I've reconciled unnecessary guilt, realized that WE are the only ones responsible for where we end up in our lives (so if you're unhappy...do something about it), met some of the most amazing people, and found that the more and more I travel, the more I realize that as people, as human beings, we are all the same at the core.

We need friends. We need family. We need a place to call home. It doesn't matter if you grew up in a big city in the US, a small town in Italy, or an old bazaar in Morocco (I have had the pleasure of meeting friends from each of these places), at the base of it all, we need people to love and a space that is ours. I have found that here in Lugano, with the city, the things I'm doing and learning, the people I'm with.

I think sometimes people take that the wrong way. That it means I've written off where I've come from. The thing is, that's the wrong way to look at it. When I go home to the US, I am home. It will always be my home. I was grown there, most of my history is there. But here....here is where I found myself. Something that I think speaks for itself.

So I look at it like this:  How blessed am I to have found two homes?! Two places with people I love, places I love, and most of all two places that have a piece of my heart? It's a beautiful thing to get off an airplane both directions knowing that on each side are people to embrace you, a sight for sore eyes, and a bed the causes you to sigh in ecstasy when you curl up in it for the night. What does that all mean? I'm not exactly sure yet. Does that mean I've found somewhere I want to stay for awhile? Yes. Does that mean I want to replace a home? Not in the least.

What I do know for sure...is that I feel alive, and I want to stay that way. So if this where my heart feels that way--like anything is possible, fully aware of dreams within my grasp-- then I think for now its found home. For now anyway....

Calm before the storm...

I love spring. It is my favorite season of the whole entire year. Everything comes to life again. The days get longer. The air is warmer. It's like the earth is giving birth to a new start for everyone and everything. I love it. This spring is no exception with all that has been going on in my life. Not being well the last week has kind of put a damper on things. (must be something in the Swiss air) However, I refuse to let that get me down.

I'm pretty familiar with the fact that normally when things seem to be falling into place and finally life is taking shape just like we want it to, we get challenges. The challenges could be health, money, friends, family, etc. Whatever it is, it stresses out, makes us sick, ruins our sleep, give us heartburn (you laugh at me, but wait until you have it and can't eat anything but plain yogurt while that delicious quiche you just made sits on the counter. It's downright cruel!)

But I think, what happens sometimes is that we start to focus on these challenges. We lose sight of the big picture, the one that only days ago was painted so vividly in our minds like fresh oil on canvas. We could even almost touch the reality of it. How does that happen so fast??? I wonder myself sometimes. I'm not exceptionally great at not panicking. I'm getting better, and I learned that these challenges come from those entities that don't want us to succeed. Don't want us to fulfill our dreams. They come in many forms, but (and maybe this is a self pep talk as well) we can't lose sight of what we see through those rose colored glasses we just found.

We've got to make a conscious effort to polish them up, keep them from getting too scratched. I'm going to win and I'm going to win big at this game we call life. I've just got to remember that I'm fighting for it all the time. I think right now I'm just at the end of the calm before the storm. But I refuse to panic. I'm never alone in this. I've always got Him walking right beside me regardless anyway, and I'm a stubborn woman who gets what she wants.  :)

So remember to power through the storm, wearing those rose colored glasses. Who cares if they get a little spotty from the water. They clean. The important thing to hold on to is to never lose sight of the world and the life that you see through them.

Writing my own story....

I have to say these last two weeks have been some of the best I've had so far here in Switzerland. I wondered for a long time when I was going to feel like I was living my life. I'd think "When is my life life ever going to start?" "When will I feel like I'm at the beginning of it all...of everything I've worked for?" I kept waiting for it to happen. Like it would be some kind of magical entity that painted everything a different color, everything a little more shiny, sparkly. And of course, surely, what I was doing couldn't have that special shine....you know, really living that 'life' whatever that actually was.  Could it? But....

Somehow over the course of this last month,  I realized that I was in it!! I was in the thick of everything! What was I doing waiting for life to start when I was living it?! I think sometimes we lose sight of what's already in front of us always looking to the 'more' or 'someday' and we forget that sometimes....there isn't anymore. We keep waiting around for some big signpost that says 'GO! This is it!' But...we started the race already the day we took our first breath. Quit waiting to do the things you've always wanted to do! Realize you're alive now! Living now!

And you know...the funny thing is....once I realized I was right in the thick of my own story, everything did become painted a different color. It may sound cliche' to say, but seeing the world through rose colored glasses does make everything more sparkly and a little more bright and shiny, like a new penny.

A lot of people ask me 'when are you coming back?' 'what will you do when your done?' 'where do you want to be?' 'when are you going to settle down and have a normal life?' And the truth is. I don't have the answer to any of these questions. Not one.

I am loving where I am right now. Living every minute that I have. Taking in all the knowledge my poor tired brain can wrap itself around when it's translating 24 hours a day. I am seeing life through rose colored glasses that tarnish nothing. And whoever said there is some social timeline on when we have to do big things in life is an idiot. You don't get to write my story. I do. And I decide what chapter I'm on.

Right now, I'm writing chapters of self-discovery, new adventures, friends, and work that I love. I spent the weekend in an Italian village, ecstatic about the purchase of restoration books, the taste of pumpkin tortelloni in a black truffle sauce on my lips, the Veronese sunset etched in my brain, and a sunday afternoon spent basking in the sunshine, colored pink by the blossoms of peach tree groves, and made only sweeter by the sound of a guitar and the laughter of good friends.

I'm in no hurry to finish these chapters. Not yet. And I'm the author. No one else. I guess the question now is: Are you writing your own story??

Sometimes you have to trust you...

I'm in on a Saturday night (yes, yes...how lame, but I'm okay with that). I'm okay that I don't mind staying in by myself with a glass of wine and a movie on a Saturday night. There are times you just need  that 'me' alone time. I'm not one who generally needs a lot of it because I love being around people. But, when I have it, I usually end up doing a lot of self-review and reflection. Yes-this can be good, this can be bad. Either way, I think it's a healthy thing.

For a long long time, I struggled with my decision to come over here. Was it the right one? Did I make people mad? What was I doing here? What would I do when I was done? Was I even good enough to be here?--All questions that ran through my head on a regular basis.  In a lot of way these questions held me back from doing as well as I could have done my first semester. They all centered around one thing---self doubt.

But I've learned in the last couple months as I've taken exams, started a new semester, grow a little bit more, that really it is worrying what other people will think that will hold you back. That wasn't a new philosophy I had learned, but it is its full effect and definition that I have just learned that has opened my eyes. Yes, the people (friends, strangers, what have you) will laugh at you or make fun and it shouldn't matter if they do. If you choose to let them, they will hold you back in things you do in life. Yet, it also applies to loved ones around you. Sometimes, they may not think you are making the best decision for your life, and they are probably doing it out of love for you. But, I've learned that guilt for deciding to do something you know is right in your heart isn't something they would want you to feel. Guilt doesn't come from those you love or any holy place. It is manifested in the dark areas of self doubt created by those who would rather you didn't succeed. It took me a loooong time to figure that out, and kept me from shining where I should have.

I've let go of that self-doubt and the guilt because I know in my heart I'm where I need to be doing what I am supposed to be doing. It isn't exactly as I saw it in the beginning, but then whatever is? All I know is that I feel so alive and ready to do everything I was put on this earth to do. Life is such a gift. So many times we forget to enjoy it.

Please don't second guess yourself. Trust you. Trust your heart. It will take you places you never even thought possible. Make a decision that belongs to you....and just you. Because at the end of it all, you're the one who has to live YOUR life.